Figuring it out

Bible vs. Cel phone

2010-05-31T17:36:00.000-07:00

VS.

I got this from one of my awesome Youth Ministry volunteers named Ali. I think we all should read this and ponder it for a while!

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go....hmm...where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing.
  Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being
disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.

Table 7

2010-05-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its just that simple.

Missing it

2010-05-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine posted this on his blog and I could not hesitate in copying him. This is really neat.

Thanks Fr. Chuck!

THE SITUATION
In Washington, D.C., at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played Bach, Schubert, and other classical pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother insisted and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent – without exception – forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.
After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

Only a few people knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by The Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:
     *In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
     *If so, do we stop to appreciate it?
     *Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . . How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

The Passion in sand

2010-03-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

This is done by a very talented man named Joe Castillo, (www.joecastillo.com) this is just a clip of the film, but well worth watching as Good Friday approaches.

The Skinny on Fasting

2010-02-23T15:03:00.001-08:00

My friend Fr. Chuck posted this on his blog and I had to copy it. Thanks padre. This is hilarious!

Why did Jesus fold the napkin?

2010-01-26T10:20:00.000-08:00

I got this from a parishioner at my Church and thought it was pretty cool. Not sure how accurate the Jewish tradition is that it refers to, but regardless it is very cool.

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection?

The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.

Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, 'They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!'
Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in. Then, Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side.

Was that important? Absolutely!Is it really significant? Yes!

In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished..

Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm finished." But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because the folded napkin meant, "I'm coming back!"

Why go to Church?

2010-01-05T13:43:00.001-08:00

I got this from the parent of one of my Youth Ministry kids and thought it was worth sharing. Enjoy!

Why go to church? A church going parishioner wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. “I’ve gone for 30 years now,” he wrote, “and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I think I’m wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.”

This started a real controversy in the “Letters to the Editor” column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: “I’ve been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of these meals. But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!”

Advent

2009-12-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

A friend shared this with me and some others on Facebook. It is so appropriate to the soon to come joy & craziness of Christmas. I hope this video is a small way to help us see what Christmas is all about and burst the unfortunate misconception that Christmas = shopping and gifts.

Image

2009-12-07T20:20:00.000-08:00

A friend sent this to me a few years ago and made me smile. I hope it can do the same for you.

Malachi 3:3 says, 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy—when I see my image in it.'

Addiction

2009-12-01T21:18:00.000-08:00

I saw this a while ago on 'So you think you can dance' and thought they did a phenomenal job on conveying the struggle of addiction. I thought it made sense to post after my last blog since they go hand in hand. Enjoy!

Mud

2009-11-26T12:36:00.001-08:00

Luis is a very energetic 6-year-old boy. If there was ever such a thing as an electric Chihuahua you could compare Luis to it for the energy level that he has. Luis has been known to run circles around the family’s Labrador retriever, Hank, and tire him out. If you’ve ever had this breed of dog you know that getting them tired out is next to impossible. It’s not unlikely to find Luis jumping into the large trashcan that his parents place by the curb once a week for garbage pickup. Luis considers it his duty to scare the day lights out of the garbage men that come to pick up his trash by jumping out of the trash can just when they grab hold of it.

Luis has a particular love for mud. Rainy days are Luis favorite because he knows he can go to his backyard and dive into the mud pits that he has constructed for just this type of occasion. Unfortunately, mom does not share Luis passion for mud. Mom is constantly reminding Luis that if he is going to play outside he must have his outdoor clothes on. Sadly, Luis does not always compute mom’s requests, and between his energy level and the insatiable desire to roll around in the mud on more than one occasion he has dived into the mud pits with his Sunday’s best. This always leads to mom yelling at Luis and Luis sitting inside for the rest of the day staring at his mess hanging on the clothesline.

On one particular day Luis had returned home from his cousins Baptism and was dressed in khakis, a dress shirt, and tie—way too formal according to him. The rain had been pouring since they sat down for Mass and all the way home he could not stop thinking about how perfect his mud pits would be. Luis entered his home’s living room where there was a perfect view of the yard, and more importantly the mud pits. Hank, the other energy ball in the family, saw Luis and immediately ran at him, licked him and then bolted outside taking a giant doggy leap into the mud pits. Luis, getting caught up in Hank’s excitement and his own, managed to pull his rain jacket off and then immediately bolted for the mud pits. As he hunched slightly to take a giant leap into the mud pit his tie swung against his face breaking his mud focused trance, but it was too late. Luis was in mid air when his brain computed: tie + mud = bad. He came down in a giant ‘splat!’ Instead of enjoying the moment he got out of the mud pit in disappointment and walked towards the kitchen window where mom would see him. Luis knew he messed up. He had done it again, but this time he refused to simply sit in the mud ashamed. Luis would faithfully go to Mom, apologize and turn himself in.

Mom’s mouth hit the ground as she saw him coming across the yard. “Luis! Those are new pants and a new shirt!” Luis head hung lower. “How many times have I told you not to play in the mud?” Luis stared at his mother and said, “I’m sorry mommy. Sometimes I don’t even realize it…I don’t mean to…I don’t want to be bad. I just get caught up in the moment.” His mother shook her head in sympathy. Luis, standing covered in mud said, “I don’t wanna be bad mommy. I will keep trying till I get it right.”

I’ve come to recognize that faithfulness is not always pretty. For anyone who struggles with an addiction or a bad habit being faithful to yourself and God can be very difficult, and at times disappointing and messy. Faithfulness does not equal being neat and clean or presentable. It doesn’t mean you have it all together or all figured out. Faithfulness can still happen even when you are covered in the mud of your sins. Faithfulness is an earnest, constant, steadfast desire to keep going. We can choose to be faithful to God and ourselves even while covered in mud, but we must get up and come before God’s mercy caked in mud seeking His forgiveness.

Butterfly Circus

2009-11-11T21:19:00.000-08:00

One of the most powerful films I've ever seen.

2009-10-17T19:08:00.001-07:00

Big world, little Leo. At Old Rag, VA. 9 mile hike.

Kings and Queens

2009-10-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was praying about what to talk to my Youth Ministry kids about during our Sunday night Youth Group program. What is it that they need to hear? What does God want to speak to them? There is so much to say, but being new to the parish, and not knowing where any of these kids are in their faith I felt God was telling me to stick to the basics.

When time came I told a story of a kid I will refer to as Brandon. Brandon had gotten into a lot of trouble throughout his life: drugs, alcohol, abusive behavior, jail, the list went on. One day Brandon came to talk to me and he was really upset. He began to tell me why he was a bad person, not worth anything, a waste of humanity. Brandon sang a very depressing song about himself, and I did not want to hear it. I stopped him and asked, “Brandon, do you know that Jesus loves you?” A confused look came across Brandon. The type of look your puppy gives when he doesn’t understand your point and emphasizes his confusion with a slight tilt of the head to the side. I asked Brandon once again, “Do you know that Jesus, the King of the universe, loves you? Do you know that He died for you so that you may become His son? That He, before the world was created, already had you in His mind and you…are…precious to Him?”

Something clicked...Brandon began to cry against my chest.

There is a great scene in the Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian movie where King Edmund is reading out to the usurper King, Miraz, a declaration of war from his brother, the High King Peter. After King Edmund finishes reading his brothers declaration Miraz refers, very respectfully, to King Edmund as “Prince Edmund.” King Edmund corrects Miraz by saying, “I am King Edmund. My brother Peter is the High King, but I am also King.” I love this scene because Miraz, representing all that is evil calls King Edmund by a royal title, but this is not his true title. Being a Prince is a very noble and good thing, but not if you are a King. To be called a ‘Prince’ when in reality you are a King is a cheapening of who you are.

What happened to Brandon is what happens to all of us—we forget who and what we are. The Bible and the Church tell us very clearly that we are kings and queens, sons and daughters, a chosen people of the most High King Jesus Christ. “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light” (1 Peter 2:9). Brandon was not living like a King. Somehow, through the sins of his life, Brandon slowly forgot who and what he was, and one day woke up something he was not. See the devil, as this movie portrays so well, knows who and what we are and he hates it. Satan wants to make us live below our true capacity. Sometimes he can influence us to live as peasants very easily, but sometimes he can only get us to live as princes or princesses. Either way that is not the title that has been given to us.

This is so basic to our faith. If we cannot recognize our dignity, our royal position in the Kingdom of God now, then it will be very difficult to see ourselves in heaven; which will lead us to continue to live lives that are below our royal title of Kings and Queens.

We are Kings and Queens, sons and daughters of the most High King Jesus Christ. This is not some nice little concept that ‘churchie’ folk say to make us feel good inside. It is a reality, a reality most of us so easily forget. We must recognize and embrace this, because there is nothing worst than a Queen or a King living life like a Court Jester.

2009-08-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

This is how you grill when your from Argentina!

Morning After

2009-08-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

I crossed the border into the state of Maryland and it started to hit me: I’m no longer a seminarian…

My last week in seminary was really nuts. Between finishing my 8-day silent retreat, priestly ordinations in Ottawa, driving back to Toronto, packing stuff to go home and finally driving home I was left exhausted. It was all a blur.

Sean and I drove back to Toronto after ordinations and we were trying to chat about what our experience had been during the retreat, but we barely scratched the surface. As soon as we got to Toronto both of us began to pack to go home: Sean for the summer, and I for good. It was really frustrating trying to pack. Finally at 11pm Sean and I sat down to chat a bit, but it was tough since he needed to get to bed soon, and we were both falling asleep as we tried to talk. The next day we said our goodbyes and off he went. My dad showed up the next day to pick me up at 6am. With tear filled eyes I hugged the priests: my brothers, my family for the last two years and said goodbye. Our relationships would never be the same again.

After a 10-hour drive I got home to D.C. and began to unpack. It was really weird being home. Feelings of ‘I failed, I messed up, etc.’ filled my mind, but thankfully I was able to shake them off quickly. After unpacking all my stuff I lay down in bed and sighed. “I’m home…” was all I could say. The month of May had flown by so quickly and leaving seminary had been so rushed. It just felt way too rushed and I knew I wanted to relax and process through the last few days. I slept a deep sleep that first night and woke up the next morning to the realization that I needed to find a job in a country where the economy was pretty crappy. I sent a few e-mails out to some of the Diocesan folks in Arlington to see if there were any openings in Youth Ministry. By the grace of God there were two, and I applied for both. Both places offered me the position, but I chose the one that at first I wanted nothing to do with. God is funny like that. After 4 days of being back I had a job—how blessed am I!

So two months have gone by and I am completely and totally at peace with leaving seminary. I’ve bumped into many people from Church and my area whom I was a bit hesitant to tell the news, but once I did everyone was just as excited for me as I was. For whatever reason I felt like people would be disappointed in me, but that was not so, if anything, people were supportive and patting me on the back for a good job. One person, after telling them how excited I was, said, “How can you not be excited about doing what God wants?” He was right. After years of trying to figure out God’s will for me in the area of discerning the priesthood He had finally shown me my way. Woohoo!!!

I am no longer in mourning about not pursuing the priesthood. I thought it would take me much longer to process this, but again, God has surprised me in how easy this transition has been. I surely thought I would have months of sadness and mourning, after all, I had thought for many years that I would be a priest. Some of the CC priest before leaving said, “Don’t be surprised if God calls you back to seminary. It happens.” In all honesty I would welcome it with open arms—it was what I originally had wanted to do with my life! I don’t know what the future holds for me, but that is fine because I know Who holds the future.

My vocation (little ‘v’ vocation) as a Youth Minister is one that I absolutely love and am working on very much. I never realized how good I was at this, so I am very excited to be the Director of a parish that has 14,000+ people, many of whom are teenagers I will be responsible for. Umm…that sounds a bit intimidating, but it’s going to be great!

So the morning after was not so bad. Rushed and not quite what I would have chosen, and honestly, if I could do it all over again I probably would change some things. My spiritual director said that the peace and joy that I am currently feeling is due to my generosity with God, “You gave yourself to Him for these two years. You were willing to set everything aside for Him to do what He wanted with you. That kind of generosity, that faithfulness is something God honors and rewards.” I cannot imagine not giving God permission to do whatever He wants with me. He made me! If anything, we should all be bending over backwards to do His bidding.

I know this is just the next step of my journey with the Lord. There are many more years of discernment, reflection and tough questions—that’s life I guess. I am so thankful for the 2 years in seminary. Twenty years outside seminary could not have accomplished what two years in it did. The schooling, life experience, pastoral experience, and so on have proven to be awesome preparation for life in whatever way it manifests itself.

So I close this section of my seminary blog for good. Many have asked me to continue writing. I guess people do read this! The writing that I will do from now on will be random things as God presents them to me. What ends up happening half of the time is something will pop into my heart and I will pray about it and feel inspired to write. Whatever I write about ends up becoming a teaching of some sort for Youth Ministry or other things I am invited to speak at.
Thank you all for following me in this journey. For praying, crying and laughing with me. Without all of your prayers this journey would have been a lot tougher and not as joyful.

Blessings,

LEO

2009-06-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

Peace out

New Life

2009-06-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

When I was in University I double majored in English and Religious Studies. My desire to study English was based on a dream of getting hired at my old high school and being able to encourage and tell the students of Oxon Hill High that God deeply loved them. My experience in high school had been one that my teachers never encouraged me, or really challenged me to discover my full potential. So as a University student I was gun-ho about using English as a camouflage of sorts to go spread the Gospel of Christ. As I look back at this I thank God He did not let me teach English. The student’s would have learned a lot about God’s love, but would have been pretty terrible at grammar and the English language.

I wasn’t quite sure why I took Religious Studies as a double major; I definitely did not need the extra classes or work, but something about it intrigued me. As I look back now I can recognize that God had plans I was not aware of yet, and sure enough, having a Religious Studies degree allowed me to get into Youth Ministry. In Youth Ministry I was able to tell young people about God without the camouflage and would not be held responsible for their poor English skills.

When I graduated University I immediately went looking for a job at Oxon Hill High and there was a vacant position in the English department—“it had to be God’s will!” I said. For the good fortune of those high school students, the Pastor at Good Shepherd Catholic Church, my home parish, called me to chat about Youth Ministry. I met with him and he asked me to apply for the job. As I sat there talking to him about Youth Ministry it occurred to me that this job was perfect for me. Youth Ministry was all about telling young people about God’s love for them. It had never occurred to me that this was a possible career.

What I thought I was going to do and what God actually wanted me to do were very different. For three years I had wanted to get involved in the public school system and I was trained scholastically for that, but God had different plans.

For the last six years or so I’ve had a call to the priesthood and for the last two years I have been exploring that vocation by actively discerning it as a seminarian. I recognized the Lord allowing me to do Youth Ministry as a preparation for seminary, and everything in my life had trained and pointed me towards priesthood. However, after two years of intense questioning, discerning and living the life of a seminarian it has been made clear to me that this is not where God wants me to be. It is hard to write these words, since in my heart I have longed to follow this path of priesthood. My 8 day Ignatian retreat was very clear in confirming what I had been feeling this whole year. I would like to share some of what I experienced in this retreat with you:

This past year was a trying one vocationally; questions that began to break the surface my first year at the Farm (where 1^st year guys go) rapidly reached full float in Toronto. Since my conversion in University, I have in one way or another, ended up center stage in different ministry’s giving talks, counseling, preaching and teaching about the Scriptures and the faith. This opportunity to proclaim God’s love and Word has, and will continue to be the deepest desire of my heart. Through this experience and many earlier ones from childhood I slowly began to feel a nudge from God towards considering the priesthood. Everybody and their mother encouraged me to go and join seminary and finally, after much prayer and discernment, not to mention the Lord was absolutely obnoxious in His pursuit—I did.

As I entered formation at the Farm the questions that arose in my heart were about ‘why’ the priesthood. Since my heart’s desire was to communicate God’s love and Word it was a logical conclusion that as a Catholic, priesthood, was the best venue for that. Still, I found myself wrestles with certain things. The preaching, teaching and counseling part of the priesthood I was sold on, but the sacramental aspect just didn’t do much for me. Now, let me clarify, I love the Sacraments, but me actually “making them happen” was not the main point for wanting to be a priest. Upon much discussion with my spiritual director, and the Farm priests, I was told not to worry about these questions for now and continue through, but to keep them in the back of my mind as something to come back to. So I did, yet these uncertainties continued to nag at me. One day I was asked by a seminarian, “What is something that’s particular to the priesthood that you are attracted to?” All of my answers were things not particular to the priesthood at all; in fact they were all common to lay and religious life. Celebrating the Eucharist, baptisms, weddings, funerals, etc. were not even in the picture for me when I thought of priesthood—it was all about preaching, teaching and counseling. As all of you know, the ministerial priesthood is more than just preaching, teaching and counseling, yet these were my only focus.

In Toronto, through my philosophy and theology classes, and continual discernment, I began to recognize that these questions and uncertainties were not just my own constructs from fear of commitment to religious life (which wasn’t an issue, but I thought it might have been). It became clearer and clearer that the Lord was asking me to not be a priest. For the last 6 years or so I have thought that the Lord wanted me to be His priest, and when I joined the Companions of the Cross (CC’s) it was a “glove in hand” experience. The CC’s spirituality and mission was deeply rooted in my heart—it is my spirituality and mission as well! By February it was almost certain that I would be leaving, but I wanted to confirm this with the Ignatian retreat that all second year seminarians are required to go on. The retreat not only confirmed this, but also revealed to me that I have guilt issues.

When ever I had considered not going to seminary, or possibly leaving it I felt guilty. During one of the meditations at the retreat I asked Jesus, through a colloquy prayer (a kind of prayer you pretend you are in a scripture passage talking to the characters, or taking their place in the story), “If I leave seminary, will this please You?” His response was, “Yes.” I immediately felt joy run through my body and then, slowly, guilt creped in. I took this to the retreat director and she recognized that this was not from the Lord and to make a long story short the guilt issues came from my own brokenness, and family issues. In my family there have been many instances where when I didn’t do something according to their standards I was told so in a way that brought about feelings of guilt within me. Being the oldest and the only one (so far) to graduate from University brought about much expectations to “make it” in the world. Especially as an immigrant family, making it A.K.A being successful was/is a parents dream for their children, especially after all the parents have to sacrifice in leaving their homeland for the betterment of their children. Parents have their own expectations of what their kids should do, they dream about it as they hold them as infants, and sometimes when those two points of view clash the kids tend to feel that they are in the wrong, even if everything within them tells them otherwise. I was translating my guilt issues with my family on to God. Even though the Lord had made it perfectly clear this past year that I would not go on towards the priesthood, I allowed the guilt that my relationship with my family caused, to be placed on my relationship with God, hence the guilt whenever “leaving seminary” popped into my mind.

After recognizing the guilt issues, and being able to call them out, I was able to recognize how the Lord had been working in these last two years. My guilt was exactly that, mine; my family couldn’t make me feel anything, it was all me. As the retreat continued it was a no brainer—the Lord wanted me to leave seminary.

I am very much at peace, and have been with the whole thing even though guilt and doubt were and continue to be present at times. Even though sadness is present in my heart, for leaving the CC’s, I am also excited at the new opportunity that I have to go and proclaim God’s love and Word in however that will particularize in my life. Actually, after spending these two years in seminary, especially this last one working with the students at York University, my call to working with young people has been strengthened. I recognize that Youth Ministry is the way that the Lord has asked me to tell people about God’s love.

As I look at this experience I am tempted to say as I began this blog, “what I thought I was going to do and what God actually wanted me to do were very different,” yet I know that all that I have journey was not an accident. God clearly and intentionally has lead me through every single step of this journey and even when I took side trips, He made the best of it and brought me back on track. Our journey’s in life are not just a matter of figuring out what we are to do and then doing that forever. Most of us will journey one way for many years, and then begin a new one that they never could have imagine themselves embarking on. I love the fact that God allowed me to give myself completely away to Him in the possibility of becoming a priest. The freedom, trust and joy that abandoning myself to His divine will has brought has made me trust God so much more. The “control freak” Leo has/is being replaced by the “I’ll do Your will” Leo.

As I am sure you can imagine, I am still in a mourning process of sorts. Leaving seminary after two years is kind of like being engaged to someone and discerning that you should not get married. It is a good thing to discover that, but it still sucks, especially after such intimacy, friendship and time spent with that person. I will move on after this mourning process, and the new life that has already started to come from this death of sorts will be beautiful. The disciples mourned Jesus death, but through that death new life came and it was a whole heck of a lot better! So I wait for my new life to come with expectation and excitement—resurrection is so much fun!

2009-05-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

"Fr." Leo: One of the costumes I wore for the CCY Formal as its MC

Dots

2009-05-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

There are moments in one’s life that leave an imprint within the memory as essential events to remember. These imprints are points within out lives that speak to us about who we are, and what we will become. Points that as the years go by stick out and develop a pattern of sorts that we can recognize as guiding us in a certain direction.

The last two years have been incredible in ways that I cannot really express with words. The Lord has allowed me to reflect on some of these points that have stuck out throughout my life; many of which are responsible for bringing me to where I am today. Points that along the road lead me to recognize God’s love and desire for my life. For me these random points have never connected well, yet if I observe carefully I recognize that they are creating a pattern of sorts. This pattern however, once I think I understand it, begins to change and, points pop up in unlikely places. This makes me take a step back and realize, “I think I know, but really, I’m just assuming.”

In six days I will be attending an eight day (May 19-27--pray for me!), silent, Ignatian retreat. This retreat is the instrument my community has implemented for the Holy Spirit to guide seminarian’s to discern whether they will continue their journey of priestly formation with the Companions of the Cross. This is the BIG one I’ve referred to before! To date, this will be the most important, and quietest retreat I’ve ever been on, the results of which, will be life altering. I know that sounds a bit drama queenish, but either I will continue this journey towards priesthood, or I will not, and this retreat will be the guide for this decision.

I have a feeling of where I will be at the end of this retreat, or maybe I should say, I have an assumption of where I’ll be; regardless, I know I must go through it to test and confirm these feelings. There is a bit of nervousness, but there is also an excitement and desire for it. I know that this retreat is another point in my life that will serve to guide me towards God’s desire and I am very open to that. God loves me, and is revealing Himself to me in ways that are connecting the “random dots” of my life. Dots that on their own are just small period marks, but in the grand scheme of His grace they are points that unite, fulfill and, reveal the intricate pattern He is creating that is my life offering in His hands.

2009-04-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

Praying...or sleeping?

Lets Celibate!

2009-04-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

One of the questions that I am often asked is, “How can you want to give up sex?” I think this is a fair question to ask anyone who is contemplating Religious Life, and one that does not make much sense unless we understand what sex is all about. So this is my attempt at explaining it, probably from a perspective a lot of us do not hear often, AND one that also highlights Gods love for us on the cross that I think is worth mentioning especially today on Good Friday.

For animals, sex has one purpose—the preservation of the species. My dog does not go over to the neighbor’s dog and try to woo her or ask her out on a date—that’s beyond his capacity. The only thing my dog can do is desire to mate at the particular times that his body, by instinct, gives him the urge to. For humans this is very different.

Because humans are reasonable animals, due to the Reason they possess, our sexual appetite is going to manifest very differently than in animals. Reason allows us to understand that sex is more than just about the preservation of the species. For humans sex is about total self-giving. Total self-giving is giving of ourselves completely to one person; it is purely out of charity or love. You don’t see Fido sticking to one partner; he has no problem being with multiple doggies. This is the difference. If sex is for total self-giving, then it is a means to an end; which the end is love. Giving yourself away is love.

For many people the concept of total self-giving is alien to them. Just by watching TV we get a glimpse of how little people recognize this. On any given episode of Friends, The O.C., Desperate Housewives, etc. we see that total self-giving to one person does not happen, and unfortunately this has infiltrated more than our television sets. Nevertheless, total self-giving is at the core of who we are as humans. We desire to give ourselves away to others, and for those who are called to married life, sex is the particular way of expressing total self-giving. When a man and a woman have made the covenant bond of marriage, sex is a renewal of that covenant; it is a giving and receiving of one another that says, “I want you completely; to serve you, cherish you and love you forever.” By its very nature sex is a giving of self to be shared with one person. Sex unites the married couple in a way that has to express it self totally to that one individual. It’s for this reason that marriages, which have lost their focus on total self-giving, are not satisfying, and it’s not a stretch to say that the spouses probably are not having sex. Again, the point of total self-giving is love; love of that one person, and sex is a particular way of expressing that, therefore, if you are not giving yourself totally you are going to experience problems and dissatisfaction in your marriage.

Now, for those who are called to a celibate lifestyle, like Religious Life, sexuality is going to express itself differently. Again, total self-giving is at the core of all humans, married or celibate. For celibate people, celibacy is sexuality lifted up for a higher purpose. Celibacy is not a negation of sex; it is an offering of it. For a priest, his total self-giving is to his people, his parishioners and it is expressed through his celibacy. He gives himself totally to those whom he has been called to serve. And, just like in the married couple example, if a priest does not give of himself totally to his people, in the sacraments, praying with them, crying with them, etc, etc, then his priesthood is going to suffer and not be satisfying.

For people who think that celibacy is in someway a negation or suppression of sexuality, they are missing the point. Celibacy does not matter unless sex is a good thing. If sex were bad, celibacy would not count for much. BUT because sex is soooooo good, and the key to total self-giving, it counts big time! By men and women, offering up sex for the sake of serving the people they have been called to serve, it makes their sacrifice so much sweeter. If celibacy was about sexual suppression, total self-giving would not go far, and there are plenty of nuns, priests and celibate single people who we can recognize in their everyday lives that reveal the joy and happiness they feel in the way that they are expressing total self-giving.

Today is Good Friday, the day that Jesus expressed His total self-giving for all of us. As I said before, giving yourself away is love, and Jesus gave Himself, totally on the cross. Consequently, His expression of total self-giving was a celibate one, one that allowed Him to serve all of His people throughout the world. If celibacy is “unnatural” or “destructive to the individuals psychological balance” then Jesus celibate life style was wrong. However, the fruit of Jesus total self-giving shows that it was far from wrong—it was necessary and sooooo right! Jesus desired to love this way; His expression of total self-giving is one that both, celibates and married couples must imitate in their particular vocations. Whatever vocation you are called to, it will involve you pouring everything you have to give; blood, sweat and tears. You must love, even if it hurts, especially when it hurts.

So, how is it that I can give up sex? Well…I’m not. If God calls me to be a priest, sex will be expressed through celibacy, and it will be total self-giving—love, in the way I have been called to express that love.

2009-03-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

CCY Winter Retreat: Fellas doing some sharing.

Death and Life

2009-03-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” – Luke 9:23-24

Probably thee most ridiculous statement ever made in the history of humanity, and the funny thing is, God said it! Deny myself?…carry a cross?…lose my life to save it? Umm…yeah…I am an American, whom the thought of not getting his way, right away, is somehow an attack on my personal freedoms—ha! Deny myself of what I desire? What are you nuts?!

Why would anyone e-v-e-r do this?

Death and life?

I have read this scripture hundreds of times, and I still shudder when I finish saying it out loud. It makes no sense, yet nothing else makes more sense. You can laugh at its absurdity, and yet, be moved by the power that these words have. They are completely, and totally counter cultural. Yet I believe it with all my heart.

Deny, cross, life, lose, save…

Before leaving to seminary I got rid of a bunch of things: clothes, books, my car, and many other miscellaneous things that I had accumulated through the years. Going to seminary and committing to living a “simple life” was the excuse to have an early spring-cleaning of sorts: little did I know that it would mean more than just material things.

Since arriving at seminary I’ve read this scripture from St. Luke and it has pierced through my very being. See, I don’t think this scripture is one of those that you can read and say, “oh that’s nice” and simply continue with the text. This is the type of scripture verse that causes your head to whiplash in mid sentence. You cannot continue the text until you can wrap your mind around this, because this is the core gospel reality! It’s the type of saying that should scare the hell out of us, because if it’s true this has huge implications and consequences. Implications and consequences that we simply cannot ignore and continue on with our lives; if death means life, if denial means satisfaction, then are we images of this? And most importantly how does this play out day to day?

The moment I said yes to God and walked through the threshold of seminary there began a death in me. My material things were just the beginning; it was the warm up before the fight. Denying myself has been difficult and quite messy—sort of like when you feed your 2 year old in his/her high chair—Gerber food everywhere! Between my hissy fits and pouting, God has been bringing me into the mystery of His death, the death that Jesus talks about in St. Luke’s Gospel. While I’m bitching and moaning, He is saying, “this is the way to Life.” I believe it, but denying? Death? Cross? “I don’t waanna (said in my 2 year old voice)!”

Lent has begun. It is the great journey of entering into death to reach new life. It is a time where we voluntarily say, “I will give up__blank__ for Lent so that I can grow closer to the Lord, so I can walk, in a small way, next to Him towards Calvary.” It literally is our walking with Christ on this painful journey that leads to anguish and suffering. Yet it is a journey that ultimately leads to life, a life unlike anything we could ever have imagined. A True Life.

The material things were the easy part, the things that are deep within my heart and soul have been the hard stuff to let go off: the character flaws that I’ve accumulated in 27 years, my selfish wants, my desire for control no matter what God wants, the desire to save my own life so that I wont lose it, etc. All of these things have been slowly dying within me; and as we all know dying hurts—a lot. There have been many tears, and heart wrenching moments when I see myself and recognize that I am holding on to my life so that I cannot lose it—the opposite of what Jesus says in this scripture passage.

For myself, the day to day application of this scripture passage is filled with hard moments, moments when I have to be brutally honest with myself and say, “I am not living this.” Dying is not easy, nor should it be. Denying, crucifying, living, losing, saving, none of these are easy. Yet we know that with pain there comes happiness, with suffering there comes joy. Everyday life example reveal this: the athletes who deny themselves of certain foods to be in perfect shape to compete; the dad who gives up the poker nights to spend more time with the kids; the mom who decides to quit her highly successful job to stay home and be with her little girl; the teen who decides to shave his head so his cancer stricken date wont feel self conscious at prom, and the list goes on.

Probably the most beautiful sign of pain and anguish is that of a mother giving birth to a child. There isn’t a damn thing enjoyable about squeezing that 6lbs, 8-ounce child out of…you know. However, I have yet to meet a mother who says it wasn’t worth it, if anything, they say they want to do it again, because afterwards, when you get to hold her in your arms and her little fingers wrap around your thumb you are never the same again. You can never be the same.

God has wrapped his fingers around me and I will never be the same again. The death that is occurring in me is making me into the person He has always wanted me to be. Denying, crucifying, and losing are leading to living, and saving. This Lent is going to be so amazing, because I have, by the grace of God, crossed a line within myself that I can never go back to. There is a new life in me that is allowing me to see that this struggle has been all worth it, no matter how it ends.

Maybe this sounds a bit over the top, dramatic, insane and ridiculous. Maybe. But this is what is going on inside of me. Denying, crucifying, living, losing, saving are over the top types of things and if I, no, we are called to live this scripture passage then we need to do everything it takes to allow God to do the work He has begun in us.

It is my hope that we can all die to ourselves during this Lenten season so that True Life may be attained. I know some of you are currently going through some very difficult situations, but I tell you that the only way out is to press into the crosses that we are carrying. Embrace them, love them, for they are our paths to the new life that Christ has for us. Christ died a horrible death, bearing our sins on his body, yet 3 days later He was raised, beautifully and gloriously. Denying, crucifying, losing, always lead to living and saving—it is Gods promise stamped in His very own flesh so that we may see, so that we may live.

Chillaxing

2009-03-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

The fellas chilling and playing a game.

Wiggling for Life

2009-02-27T19:18:00.000-08:00

This is from my journal entry today on what happened to me during a silent protest at an abortion clinic.

I was holding the left post of the sign and Sean held the second one; it was a long rectangular synthetic sign with the words, “Pray for abortion to end,” simple, yet powerful. The day was extremely cold with a wind that pierced right through the layers, thermal clothing or not—you felt it! I stood there, praying my rosary, while holding the post so the sign could be seen; meanwhile the wind continued to pound me. At moments I had to reset my feet so I wouldn’t get knocked over. I felt like I was fighting against a force that was alien to me, I could feel it coming, but could only wiggle around my constricted space as it came at me with its unrelenting force. As I complained in my mind about the cold and wind for the hundredth time I had a little glimpse of sorts, an epiphany or mental recognition about my circumstance.

I stood on that corner for one hour, fighting against the wind, wiggling, trying to avoid it in my constricted space, but I had the choice to leave whenever I wanted. The child in the womb across the street in the building we were protesting didn’t have that option. This child was wiggling, trying to reset its feet as this unrelenting force, this unknown object searched for him in the constricted space he calls home. This child was getting knocked around in a far worse way than I, yet he could not go home, this was his home.

Afro-Caribbean Mass

2009-02-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

Afro-Caribbean Mass dancers and seminarians

Donkey

2009-02-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

I met with my Spiritual Director in January before I left to seminary to chat about how things were going in seminary, life and all those fun things. The following story comes from something he mentioned during our meeting that I have turned into a story and included another story from scripture. Enjoy!

Elior’s wife, Eva, had been giving him heck for the last 4 years for the useless donkey that he had brought to the house. “I don’t understand why this dumb beast is in our yard if you wont use him for anything!?” said Eva. Elior in a tired, I don’t really feel like going through this again, but I will sort of tone responded, “I’ve told you a million times, this donkey is special, I don’t know why, but I just knew I had to get it!” “That’s the problem, you ‘don’t know why!’” shot Eva with both hands firmly at her hips. “(sigh)…honey, I know that he isn’t in the best shape and that I could use him to go into town for running errands, but…I just feel that I’m not supposed to ride him” responded Elior. “What’s the point of having an ass if you’re not going to use it? We already have you, we don’t need another one lying around doing nothing!” Eva was getting more upset. Defeated, Elior walked out to the yard where Joey, the donkey, laid chewing on some hay. Elior stared at Joey and thought to himself, “This is nuts! I have a bad leg and instead of carrying the grains from the field on Joey’s back I carry it on mine.” Eva made complete and total sense, why should this dumbass sit here? Yet Elior had a feeling, which wasn’t much, but at least it was enough to convince him that this donkey was destined for something better than carrying grain.

The days turned to weeks, then months and then another year. It was a few days before the Passover and everyone in town was getting ready. Families were getting their Passover lambs, bitter herbs and non-leavened bread ready for this great feast—the greatest feast of the year! Eva walked into the yard with a basket filled with necessities for the celebration. As she approached the house, the basket in her hands blocked her view of Joey, who was lying on the ground (like usual). Eva tripped over Joey’s legs and threw the basket in the air, which sent the contents flying all over the yard. Joey let out a yelp of pain, “eeehhhauuww!” and stood up as Eva crashed to the ground. Joey assessed the situation and realized it was safe for him to lie back down. Eva lay on her aching side, thoughts of processing this donkey and selling him as hotdogs came to her mind. She stood up, dusted herself and began to gather the spilled groceries from the ground back into the basket. “Joey! You worthless donkey! You are nothing more than a useless, pathetic dumbass! I don’t care what Elior says, you will never do anything special in your life, except maybe fall off a cliff from being so stupid!” Eva continued to let out her frustration on Joey until she realized that she was yelling at a donkey…not a particularly bright donkey. Eva indignantly pulled her dress down in an attempt to fix herself. She picked up the basket and held her head high in the air to show she had won this battle.

Upon arriving in the house Eva told Elior that this was it, “This donkey is out of here! Either you put some use to him or we sell him!” Elior stood ready to fire back at her, but realized from the grass on her skirt and the messiness of her hair that he would end up sleeping in the yard with Joey tonight if he even tried. “Alright Eva, you win, give me a few days and I will see if I can sell Joey.” Eva couldn’t believe it, she almost let out a look of sadness from her husbands defeat, but quickly realized he might change his mind and she would have to deal with this useless donkey for the rest of her life. Instead, Eva slightly nodded her head in approval and walked into the kitchen—another battle won. Elior walked outside and began talking to Joey, “Joey, I have to let you go. It has been 5 years and nothings happened, maybe my feeling was just that, a feeling and nothing more.” Elior stroked Joey’s side. “You’re not the smartest donkey…” he really didn’t know what else to say. Elior walked back into the house and called it a night.

Meanwhile outside of Jerusalem:

“As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage on the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and at once you will find a donkey tied there, with [his] colt by [him]. Untie them and bring them to me. If anyone says anything to you, tell him that the Lord needs them, and he will send them right away…The disciples went and did as Jesus had instructed them. They brought the donkey and the colt, placed their cloaks on them, and Jesus sat on them. A very large crowd spread their cloaks on the road, while others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted,  "Hosanna to the Son of David!" "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!""Hosannain the highest!"

When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, "Who is this?" The crowds answered, "This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee." - Matt. 21:1-3, 6-11.

Elior awoke energized from a good nights sleep. For some reason he felt pretty excited to start of the day—it was going to be a good day. He kissed Eva on the forehead and she lovingly pushed him aside responding with a smile and rolled over and fell back to sleep. Elior started a pot of coffee, fed the chickens and lastly went to feed Joey. As he stood next to Joey watching him eat his breakfast two strangers approached him, “We have come for the donkey and colt,” said one of the strangers. “Who are you and why do you want my donkey and colt?” responded Elior. “The Lord needs them,” responded the same stranger. Elior’s eyes light up as his heart burned with a fire he had never felt before. “Of course! Take them right away!” The two strangers looked at each other in surprise, they really didn’t think anyone was just going to give them a donkey and colt for free. The strangers thanked Elior and returned from where they came from. Elior ran back inside to let Eva know what had happened. He told her the story and somehow, convinced her to follow him up the road to see where the strangers were taking this “special donkey.” Eva did not refuse, she figured this would be the last time she would see Joey and that was a good thing, yet she also sensed something different in her husband and somehow it was becoming contagious. Eva quickly rose and dressed and at once they went in pursuit of the two strangers, Joey and the colt.

Somehow, Eva and Elior caught up to the two strangers. There was a huge crowd gathered right outside of the town of Bethphage, “What’s going on here?” asked Elior to one of the towns’ folk. “He has come! He has come!” said the man. “Who has come?” asked Elior and Eva in unison. “Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee,” “He is the Son of David, and blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!” Eva and Elior had heard of this Jesus and all his great miracles. Eva and Elior pushed through the crowd to get a closer look, to see what this Jesus fellow looked like. They got right to the edge of the road and saw him coming down as people laid their cloaks and branches on the ground before Him shouting,  "Hosanna to the Son of David!" "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!""Hosannain the highest!" Elior’s heart began to burn again. Eva looked at him and Elior realized she felt it too. This man, this Jesus, He was the One, the One that the prophets had spoken about, the One who would set the captives free. Elior and Eva held each other closely as they saw Jesus approach. They knew it—the Son of God was amongst them and they were blessed enough to see Him. Eva said, “How wonderful would it be to speak to Him or just touch Him.” “ No, no.” said Elior in a humble tone, “This is the Son of God Eva, we’re just common folk, our cloaks aren’t even worthy to be laid before Him.” Eva sighed in agreement. And that’s when it happened. Eva elbowed Elior on the side and said, “look!” Elior knew exactly what she was pointing at. There He was Jesus, the Son of God, ridding in glory towards Jerusalem and carrying Him into this glorious entry was the useless, dumbass—Joey. Eva smiled at Elior and they embraced as they stared at Joey. His day had come. He wasn’t very bright, or the best looking dumbass, but nevertheless he had been chosen, set apart. This was the moment Joey had been called to all his life. Useless he was and would continue to be, but for this moment, this one glories moment the useless dumbass had been chosen to carry the Son of God. The useless dumbass indeed was special, quite the special dumbass.

My spiritual director made the point that even this donkey that is quite literally a dumbass had a plan in salvation history. Any other donkey could have been chosen for this special job, one that was better looking or stronger, yet this is the one that God had set apart before time began. We all have a special calling, not all of us are the brightest, most attractive or particularly useful for that calling. Some of us are quite useless, lazy, unintelligent and frankly just plain all dumbasses. There probably are more qualified people out there to do what we are being called to, but the thing that sets us apart is that we have been called to do it. Even dumbasses can be chosen to do great things.

2009-01-27T19:06:00.002-08:00

Playing Wii with the York Students at my house

Emotions

2009-01-27T19:06:00.001-08:00

I’ve realized through these last 2 months or so that my emotions have been teeter-tottering from Religious Life to a desire for marriage; back and forth, up and down, side to side and every way you can think of! When I got home for the Christmas break I started paying more attention to this teeter tottering and realized that this was not coming from God. God is a God of order, peace and consolation and this was far from what I was experiencing. In my prayer I started to get this feeling that I needed to tame my emotions. I’m not quite sure how, but I started to do that. I started to recognize when I was feeling a particular way and acknowledged the emotion for what it was and then said, “you are just an emotion and nothing more.” After just a few days I recognized that these emotions were not so hard to deal with. Coincidentally enough…or I guess I should say, providentially enough one of the books that I am currently reading talked about how we must not allow our emotions to drive us. The book mentioned how our desires to do Gods will must be our main purpose, our mind/reason should be guiding this purpose and our emotions must serve our reason in this journey. Funny enough, many of my current classes are dealing with this same topic of how emotions play into the picture of our humanity and every last one of them is saying the same thing—reason must guide them.

I found myself recognizing that last semester was filled with a lot of raw emotions, the kind that are not rational. When I think of raw emotions, I think of the type that get us to just act without thinking things through, emotions that if allowed to actualize could cause more harm than good. This isn’t the instinctual kind of emotions that for example, warn us about danger, or make us think twice about having another beer. Raw emotions bring about what I like to call, “emotional diarrhea” a spewing of feelings that are let lose with no rational connectivity what so ever—sometimes on innocent bystanders like spouses, co-workers, parents and or friends. This kind of emotions is the type that blinds us and keeps our reason away from making sense of things. When we allow these type of emotions to take over the show we end up in nasty situations…I think many of you can relate to what I’m talking about—unfortunately, I have way too many examples on this matter. Many of my past romantic relationships were driven by emotions and the fruit of them were messy, at best. Yeah…I’ll spare you with the details J

I hope no one gets the impression that I am slamming emotions. Let me be very clear, God made emotions and they are very, very good! Emotions help us to understand what our mind and soul is going through. Not to acknowledge them is stupid and very dangerous! Without emotions we would be cold, like robots. Emotions, when acknowledged in a proper way, with reason as its guide, allow us to recognize things within us that are kept in dark places, acknowledge fears, desires, changes that need to occur in order to live better lives, love, and most importantly to discover who we are. Praise God for emotions!

I guess this might sounds terribly vague, but all those emotions: the desire for religious life, marriage, fear of whether or not I’m good enough, insecurities, over confidence in my gifts, the anxiety to “make it” in seminary, etc. all these things that once swelled up in my chest and brought uneasiness have calmed. I feel like I am slowly becoming master of my emotions. It’s really cool. Since I got back to Canada I am seeing clearer than I’ve ever had—and no this is not me getting emotional. The emotional storm has settled and I can see clearly what lies ahead of me. Even my heart is quieter and able to recognize the rhythm God is welcoming me to. Last semester I allowed my emotions to run the show, I let them become bigger than they needed to be, and now, that they are where they should be and the right size I can recognize them for what they truly are—signals of what I’m feeling, not what I am.

My discernment has benefitted tons from this “taming of the emotions,” I feel so focused and all the issues I was feeling before really are not that big of a deal anymore. I am enjoying the gift of being in seminary, for however long God wants me here (that still isn’t clear—yet). And in this clarity I am seeing things I had never paid attention to, graces God is giving me that all I can do is smile and recognize how good He is. So yeah, things are going really well right now. I am at peace and that is the greatest sign that I am doing what I’m supposed to. Thank you all for the prayers, they truly are blessing me abundantly, especially on those -25 degree days when all I want to do is sleep in and tell Canada to shove it. Anyways, thanks!

2008-12-22T07:01:00.000-08:00

Steve, Sean, Lawrence, Fr. Alan, Fr. Darin and myself

Zazo Hair

2008-12-20T20:08:00.000-08:00

Sean and I walked through the door greeted by the typical hair salon images of male and female models with perfect teeth and hair. Paul Mitchell models plaster on the entrance and stairways tell us that these hairdressers were serious...no cheap hair products in this store! The smell of gel, and hair dye was the first to greet you before entering the main floor. As Sean opened the door a gentle sound of techno music is heard over laughter and chatter. Marco immediately extends a hand and smile welcoming us to, “Zazo Hair!” his chest sticks out as if introducing us to some glorious creation that he is proud to be a part of. Drago stops working on his current customer and salutes us. Drago is 6’ 4” muscle bound man with highlighted hair and ripped jeans—exactly what you would expect to see in your typical hair salon. He knows Sean from before and welcomes him as if they were long time friends.

The saloon is very different than the stairway, well makeover models, and lovely hair shinning beauties no longer greet you. Crucifixes and religious icons of Saints cover the walls. The typical People, Time and Gossip magazines are nowhere to be found; instead they are replaces by bibles, books on the saints, rosaries and the liturgy of the hours. Two crucifixes sit perched on top of each mirror where Marco and Drago serve their flock. The atmosphere suddenly changes; I am no longer in a hair salon…I’m in a chapel.

As Drago works on his current customer he tells her how much Jesus loves her and that her beauty is a result of Him dwelling in her. Drago turns and tells Sean and I in his heavy Croatian accent, “Those two over there are not baptized, tell them, tell them they need to, they must!” The two girls smile at Drago and turn to us, something about his personality makes all that he says come out filled with charity and humor. The two girls enter into conversation with these seminarians. The typical questions that most folk want to know are asked about the priesthood and the Church. We answer and Drago jumps in tag-teaming with scripture quotes, the saints and Church documents…who is this prophet?

Drago finishes working on the young woman’s hair and she stands, the entire room turns towards her captivating beauty. Drago is very good, very good indeed. The young woman’s smile cannot be contained, she says, “It looks amazing!” Drago follows with, “of course! You are beautiful because Jesus is beautiful and He in you. You hot because Jesus is hot. If Jesus not inside, you be ugly, eww so ugly!” The woman blushes and with a smile that pierces all the lies that she has heard before about what beauty is “supposed to be like” humbly thanks him and pays this worker his wages. Immediately Marco is there to salute this young woman, “You look beautiful” is what he says as he kisses her on the cheek and helps her slip into her coat. Her smile does not fade. She salutes all and thanks Drago one more time. You can tell that she doesn’t want to leave—out there is where the lies were fed to her, out there is where her beauty is distorted and abused—but she must go. Drago tells her once again, “be beautiful inside too, not just outside. Jesus loves you!”

The next young woman takes a seat on Drago’s pulpit. Drago begins to work on her, his precision can only be compared to Michael Angelo working a block of marble—it is pure art! This is one of the un-baptized girls whom he mentioned before. Drago begins telling her she needs to go to church, needs to receive sacraments. I’m a bit uncomfortable in my chair as my fingernails dig into the vinyl, waiting for her to tell Drago off, but she doesn’t. Drago is not condemning, he cares, deeply cares. Drago’s humor gets this girl to laugh and then she begins to ask Drago questions. Drago preaches from his spinning chair pulpit and evangelizes. This girl is glued to his every word, she is hooked, and she is hungry and thirsting for more. Drago quotes more scripture, talks about Pope John Paul II and more Church teaching—her eyes reveal what she is feeling inside. She too has been lied to.

Meanwhile Sean and I are talking to the other girl. Buyona is her name, also Croatian. She is just as hungry and thirsting for more. Buyona opens up and tells us about herself, her wishes and dreams—this has far exceeded hair salon conversation. We are no longer strangers waiting to be served we are fellow parishioners of this Zazo congregation. Drago continues to lead the congregation into an intense sermon that captures all ears. The smell of hair products is his incense; his comb and scissors are his tools that dissect the words that he brings to us. We listen, we think…we pray.

Sean gets his haircut and then I go. Drago jokes about me having spiky hair, “the devil likes things spiky, he have hair like that.” I burst out in laughter as Drago smiles and begin his art. Drago demands perfection from his flock, “you must be holy, cannot be bad priest. People need good, holy priest to bring them Jesus.” Drago has many recommendations for this seminarian, many of which I ponder and consider putting into action. Drago finishes his sermon right as he cuts my last hair.

We are done and ready to go home, yet I find myself wanting to stay. Drago says, “I see you next time and we talk more.” I smile and thank him and Marco for such a great time. I say goodbye to the two girls—my two friends, my fellow congregants. I tell Buyona I will be praying for her and she nods in gratitude with a simple smile. Drago interrupts and says, “You must pray for all us here, we need all prayers we can get, especially me!” I walk out of the door and once again enter the cold wind, the world greets me once again and it is not friendly. Its cold and hard as the concrete I am walking on.

Sean and I converse about what just happened here. We realize that Zazo Hair is not just about hair it goes beyond that. We just read Lumen Gensium, a document from the second Vatican council that talks about how all people are called to turn their careers and work places into opportunities for evangelization. It specifically mentions how lay people are called to infiltrate the world with the love of God in their everyday doings. It says that us lay folk are sort of like secret agents who perform these covert missions of transformation around the world while living normal lives. Our cubicles, classrooms, offices, kitchens, etc. are our chapels and our coworkers are our flock that we must feed. They thirst, they hunger…they too have been lied to.
How amazing would it be if all of us in our daily doings took this Church teaching to heart and transformed our places of business into more than just business? What if people after leaving from our cubicle were fed spiritually? What if by teaching our students history they were given more than dates and names? What if our keyboard becomes a weapon that conveys the glory of God? What if washing floors and dishes were a means to tell a story about a God who became man?

What…if it became more…than just about…hair?

2008-11-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

Here comes winter!

Discernment

2008-11-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

I’ve only been in Toronto since late August and it really feels like a lifetime has passed. The days fly by, but they still seem to be long and slow. Its weird, but that’s how it feels. I am already looking forward to being done with this semester of studies and just hangout in the good old U.S.A.

Things in my house are a little on edge right now. A few nights ago we had an argument during dinner that had been brewing for a few days and finally came out. It was a good thing, but there are some of the brothers who are still being petty about it. The one thing that I love about community life is that even though everyone of us are striving to live out holiness, we are still human and are all kinds of messed up! Whether 2^nd year or 4^th year seminarian or priest with 10 years under his belt we know how to drive each other absolutely nuts! Haha, I can’t help but laugh. Some people would think that priest and seminarians would have a household of smiles, laughter and joy—which is a part of our household—but we got lots of arguing, sarcasm and ridiculousness in the mix as well. What can you do? Anytime you have people doing anything, whether holy or not it’s going to be messy.

I personally feel like these few months have been the hardest of my life. I know that might sound a bit dramatic, but I honestly cannot recall another time when I have been worked so hard emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Discernment has been crazy; the Lord’s got me questioning why I want to be a priest and to be honest, I don’t have a good answer. My spiritual director says that the only reason to be a priest is because Jesus wants you to. My desire for control makes me want to analyze everything instead of trusting that God will use my time here, and my community to let me know what he wants from me.
One of the images that god has really been using to focus me on trusting him are the feet of Jesus on a crucifix. Similarly, the Mary and Martha passage is one that really has caught my attention (Luke 10:38-42). Mary is the one who sits at the feet of Jesus and just hangs out with Him while Martha is trying to organize and figure things out. I tend to be a Martha, trying to get it all right, but the Lord wants me to just be with Him. Sit at His feet as He talks, and unfolds my life before me. Like Mary did. It’s been a great joy assimilating this passage. When ever I start getting caught up in the “what ifs” I just imagine myself sitting at the feet of Jesus and it makes me realize that He is in control. He knows what’s going on. When it gets really tough I imagine myself at the foot of the cross staring up at His feet. This really puts things into perspective. My restlessness, anxiety and struggles don’t seem that big from this vantage point.

When I first made my decision to join seminary I told people that this was Gods desire for me now, but I wasn’t going to limit Him to that. God is bigger than this. There is a little saying I have—nothing is certain except that God loves us and will always take us back—I am finally taking my own advice! It’s a little scary not having answers, holding on to nothing but hope. Hope that at times seems certain and then *poof* its all up in the air again. My spiritual director and every priest I know says this is part of the journey, for some it confirms the call and for others it gets them to realize that this was only a pit stop on the journey and its time for them to move on.

So… I have no idea whether or not I will be back next year. I can say that now without getting all weird and annoyed at the uncertainty. Towards the end of April I have a 7-day, silent, Ignatian retreat, which the community has implemented as a powerful tool that the Holy Spirit uses for guys to discern whether or not they will make their temporary promises. I look forward to that retreat because I feel the Lord will definitely honor that tool as a way to show me His desire. Till then I live everyday, one moment at a time offering it to God. All we have is today to work with and that’s usually more than enough for most of us.

Please continue to pray for me as this journey continues to unfold. I know for some hearing that I’m not sure about continuing this journey is a sad thing, but it really isn’t. As a priest, married man or single guy my life belongs to the Lord and it will serve His cause only—there is no question about that! The question at hand is, how will that manifest?

Thank you all for those rosaries, novenas and all sorts of other prayers being offered up for my vocation—they’re not going to waste! <><

2008-11-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

York Chaplaincy Fall Retreat

Trust

2008-10-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

A week ago my professor for the Mystery of Christ course talked about how we come to faith in God and say 'yes' to His will in our lives. It was such a neat concept that it left me thinking about it after class. The way we say "yes" to God, or anyone for that matter is an interesting little process that most of the time we don't really think about, I sure don't. Fr. Paul says, in order to believe in God we must first experience Him; that can manifest itself in small ways, such as nature, kindness, etc. or it can be in a more intense way such as reading scripture, mass, supernatural experience, etc. One way or another we come to know God by experiencing His grace.

After we have this experience of Gods grace we are lead to trust in Him and this trust comes from our will. We will to trust God. Our will--the thing that gets us to act--responds to this experience. This is the same kind of thing that happens when we experience kindness from someone and because of that kindness we trust them and become friends. This trust allows our will to be comfortable and leads us to the next stage of faith, which is our "yes" to God. This comes from our intellect. If our experience of God's grace is good, we naturally want to trust Him because of that goodness and therefore, it leads us to believe in Him and say "yes" to Him and His word, teaching and plans for us. If we were to look at this in a formula of sorts it would look like this:

Experience/Grace-->Trust/Will-->Yes/Intellect = Faith

Pretty straight forward right?

Well, the issue with all of this is mainly in the trust part. See, I don't know about all of you but I like to be in charge, I want to run the show and be the 'it' guy. I hate the fact that I am always trying to be in control and its something that I am constantly working on, but unfortunately it gets the best of me most days. Even though we get a clear experience of God's grace it does not mean that our response will be to trust it, or maybe we will trust, but as I tend to do I want to trust my own way. Last year at the Farm I realized I had issues with selfishness and trust, most of which I thought were no big deal and I guess I pushed aside, but as time passes and the scales fall from my eyes, I see that its the root of my control issues. I trust God with most of my life...but not with all of it. It is a terribly humbling thing to discover. It is quite embarrassing. Here I am a seminarian and I have trust issues with the One who is most worthy of that trust. Stupid is the first word I associate with this.

Most of my trust issues are things that I am still very immature with. I am at seminary and yet my heart and mind wander to other places, thinking of the 'what ifs' of life. It's a terribly frightening thing to let your whole life go and put it in the hands of someone else, even if that someone else is God.

I don't despair though; its a great thing to discover this and slowly work on it with Gods grace. Like any other thing that we have to struggle with, this is one of those things that will take time, maybe a life time, but with His guidance I hope to let God take the wheel of life and not be a backseat driver, because there is nothing more annoying than a backseat driver!

2008-10-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

The fellas of Frasatti House

Toronto Days

2008-09-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

It’s been about a month since I got to Toronto, Canada and I figured an e-mail was long over due.

Things here have been going really well. My first week in Toronto involved getting acquainted with my new city and home. Toronto is Canada’s New York City, so it can be pretty busy at times. There aren’t nearly as many people in Toronto as there is in NY, but it definitely is not Combermere, whose population consisted of 600 people!

I started my philosophy classes this past week and they have been really good, difficult, heady and sometimes right out confusing, but enjoyable. As seminarians we have to take a minimum one year of philosophy to prepare us for our four years of theology (this is what Rome a.k.a Vatican requires). I never realized this but philosophy really builds the base for thinking and understanding how things work with people, their ways of coming to certain conclusions and their worldviews. I thought philosophy was a bunch of old guys discussing what “being” was, but it turns out there’s a lot more to it than that. For the most part I’m really enjoying the classes, I’m kind of a nerd and love school so it works out to my advantage.

I’m living in a house with two priests and three other seminarians. The priests are the Chaplin’s for York University in Toronto and they are pretty awesome fellas. Very prayerful, funny and real. The seminarians are pretty cool as well; so far we’re all enjoying our time together and enjoying the Big City.

Personally I’ve been struggling; well…I’m not sure if struggling is the right word. Lets just say that God has been posing some really tough questions that have me thinking and praying very intensely. I don’t want to get too specific because I’m not quite sure how to put it, but I feel like some things that I considered solid in my heart are being tested and they aren’t as solid as I thought. My spiritual director says that this is all part of the journey, so I’m hanging on trying my best to do Gods will.

One of the things that have stuck out this past month has been the reality of how God suffers as us in our struggles. The understanding that He isn’t just next to us while we’re in pain or watching down from heaven, but that He literally is suffering as us, inside our very bodies. And not only does he suffer as us, He gives us the opportunity to offer that suffering as a prayer for all those who are in the same situation but are not strong enough to go on. To know that at this very moment my pain, your pain—everyone’s pain—is in Christ and He is in us is the only thing that keeps me going. Honestly, I don’t feel like dealing with this struggle, but it sure makes me think of it differently when it’s Jesus going through it as me. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but it’s been a great comfort for me in these last few weeks.

I realize that this e-mail is not as happy or positive as some of my others have been, but it’s not always sun filled days in seminary. Even though its been rough I am so glad its this way, its helping me to grow more each day. Trusting in Him is all we can do, so that’s what I will keep doing; praying, hoping, waiting.

Blessings,
LEO <><

2008-09-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

Sean, myself and Steve outside of school.

Scars

2008-09-12T20:25:00.001-07:00

Julio bears the scars of pain and rejection across his forearms. The scars were created from him blocking his father whipping an extension cord towards his face. Sometimes--if he was lucky--Julio's father missed and struck the floor or Julio's shoes. But usually the chords whipping force coiled around Julio's forearm leaving marks. Marks that still remain. Marks that although they are "healed" can retell the story of pain, terror and fear. Marks that will not fade...

Julio escaped the abuse and amazingly enough by the Grace of God was able to dig deep, very deep within his soul and forgive his father. Many years have passed since he was struck yet the scars remain. Julio is a happy man with his own children, but every so often he strokes his fingertips over his scars and remembers. A slow forming tear will streak down his cheak as his fingers trace the map of pain that is his forearms.

Time passes and our wounds heal, yet the scars remain; telling the story of pain and suffering we bear. We can heal and heal we must, but scars will always remain. Some say they are a reminder, a sort of road that shows us how far we've gone. Oh that scars would vanish and leave us unmarked, how wonderful would that be! But we bear our scars so that others may never be marked. Maybe your scars are ugly and you can't change that, but you can keep someone else from being marked. May your scars save as He whose scars have set you free. May your scars be a road map that guides others away from the pain that creates unfading marks.

2008-08-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

At the top of Mt. Krusevac (SP?) in Medugorje, Bosnia Herzegovina

Pelicans

2008-08-18T17:21:00.001-07:00

Pelicans, like most birds will feed their young by bringing them food when they are not able to do so themselves. A mother pelican will catch fish, chew it up and feed her young. The mother pelican will do this until the babies are able to fly and hunt on their own. Sometimes, there are circumstances where there is no food for the young pelicans. The mother pelican will search high and low to provide nourishment for her young, but fly back to the nest with nothing. When this happens, the mother pelican does something remarkable; she will pierce her heart with her beak and feed her young with the blood of her heart. The mother will die, but the children will live.

Interestingly enough, we’ve heard this story before except its characters are different. The young are us, babies who are trying to learn to live and the mother is God, feeding us with all His gifts to nourish us to strength. When He realized that the "food" of earth wasn’t enough, He did something remarkable; He had His heart pierced so that His blood may nourish us. He was pierced, so that we may live.

Vomit

2008-08-18T17:20:00.001-07:00

One of the body's most unpleasant biological doings is vomiting. No one ever looks forward to it no matter how necessary it might be. Whether it is from eating bad food, too much good food, drinking to much alcohol or a mixture of all of the above, vomiting is no fun!

When I was a kid I remember asking my mother, "Why do we vomit mommy?" In her great motherly wisdom she answered, "Because it wasn't good enough for your body, nor was it good enough to poop."

"Not good enough for your body, nor good enough to poop." Wow…

Our body cannot or will not allow whatever we put in it to be digested if it's bad. Maybe because it's harmful or there is just too much of it. Whatever the case may be, it isn't worthy to become a part of our body, so we vomit.

Yet the food, even though it isn't worthy to become a part of our body, it doesn't leave it by a bowel movement (poop); which means that whatever we ate isn'tworthy to even be poop.

So, food that isn't worthy to become part of our body or worthy to become poop has no purpose what so ever in the body and it is spewed from our mouths. It is useless in the body and in the pot…useless.

In the book of Revelation Jesus tells John to dictate letters for Him to seven churches. To some of these churches Jesus says that He is very pleased with how they are keeping the faith in good times and bad. To some of the churches Jesus has some words of encouragement, but also of reprimand.

But there is one church that Jesus is very harsh with: the church in Laodicea. This church seems to be in a state of lukewarmness. In other words, it is neither hot—burning for the love of God, nor cold—away from God, belonging to the devil. This church is a fence sitter, not really devoted to God, but also not wanting to be apart from Him.

These are Jesus words to this church:
"I know your works; I know that you are neither cold nor hot. wish you were either cold or hot. So, because you are lukewarm, neither cold nor hot I will vomityou out of my mouth." –Rev. 3:15-16

Jesus…will vomit this church from His mouth!

So, in other words Jesus is saying, you are no good for my Body—the Church, nor are you good enough for Hell. You won't commit to either, therefore you are useless…useless. Not good enough for the Body and not good enough to poop.

After these words Jesus basically says, if I were you I would repent. He tells them, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door I will enter his house and dine with him and he with me."

He gives an invitation to chose, to be worthy.

Unfortunately, many of us fall into the lukewarm category (myself included). We must choose: cold or hot, there cannot be an in between. Either you feed the Body or you don't. Cold or hot, but for goodness sake lets not be, "not good enough for the body, nor good enough to poop."

Companions

2008-08-18T17:17:00.001-07:00

This is a reflection I wrote during prayer. I hope its fruitful for all of you. Peace.

As Christians we are all called to be companions of the cross. But which companion am I?

Am I the Cyrenian, who reluctantly carries Jesus cross? Do I "embrace it" because I am told to; because everyone is looking at me to see what I will do? Once I get to Calvary do I drop the cross, call out, "I've done my part" and leave? Where would I go?

Am I one of the Roman soldier companions, who push, flog and mock Jesus? Do I see Him under His burdensome cross and think, "That's nothing! You should see what I have to carry every day!" Am I so cocky and selfish that I hold my head up high at His suffering? Am I so cruel that as He falls down a third time my reaction is, "We'll never make it, if He keeps up this way!"

Am I one of the weeping women who see Jesus for what He truly is—God, life, truth, freedom? Does my heart break as the hearts of these women, while they hear Him speak words and continues His death sentence?

Am I the multitude of people who instigate this punishment on our Lord? Do I take pleasure in seeing someone being punished? Do I think to myself, "Finally, someone getting what they deserve. It's not just me who has to suffer all the time."

Am I the woman Veronica who in a moment of bravery wipes our Lords face clean? Am I brave enough to break through the crowd? Am I strong enough to take the shoving, the insults, and the words that will come after such a bold action?

Which one am I?

Am I Mary, suffering with her "pierced heart" as she sees her flesh, her child, her love in such agony? Am I able to walk the entire journey and watch Him die as she did? Can I bare a mother's burden, to see a son killed? A mother, whose role is to give life and protect it, now stands, watching helplessly as her most precious treasure is destroyed…she can no longer protect Him. Am I her?

What about the thieves? Am I the one who mocks our Lord, "If you are God save yourself! Get us down from here!" Or am I the guilty one to his right that is humble enough to accept his sin, yet beg for pardon? A sinner, a liar…a thief.

Something tells me I am all of these people.

I would love to compare myself to Mary, Veronica and the good thief, but at best I am them sometimes. Who am I in this journey to the cross? That's the question we all ask ourselves. The answer sometimes is ugly, scary…hard at best. Nevertheless, we all are companions of the cross that is certain

Stumbling over rocks

2008-08-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

Lee walks home one day from work, as he is walking he stumbles over a rock on the ground. Lee gets up off the ground and dusts off his hands. "Man, where did that come from?" he asks himself. The next day Lee walks down the same path and once again trips on this rock on the ground, except this time he cuts his knees open and hurts the palms of his hands as he catches himself before hitting the ground face first. He gets up and thinks, "Didnt I trip over this rock yesterday? Man! I need to pay more attention." The next day Lee walks down the same path and yup, you guessed it--he trips over the rock. Lee lays on the ground with old wounds reopened and new ones to give them company. Tears fall out of Lee's eyes. "How can I be so stupid! I keep stumbling over the same thing over and over again. I know this rock is here, but I still try to climb over it. Why? Why can I not go around or through another path?" Lee sits for a long time. It just doesn't make sense. It's so simple, stay away from the rock! But Lee cant help it he thinks it will be fine to go over it, he thinks he knows it well enough to not fall, yet everytime he does. Sometimes the falls arent so bad, but other times they are hard and painful.

What's your rock that causes you to stumble?